Is That Parental Joy You Are Feeling, or Something Else Entirely?
Get people (namely parents) talking about parenting and you will be exposed to all sorts of proclamations of joy and vows of satisfaction derived from the simple act of parenting. Parents routinely speak about the deep sense of connection they feel to their children and family and how, in some cases, that helps ground them in their community, and the larger world. Sure parents love to bitch and complain about particulars and how terminally exhausted they are, but get a parent on a roll, and they will sanctimoniously scream to the heavens about what a gift it is to fulfill the roll of parent. But is it all BS?I am a parent, and I could say that it has changed my life for the better and I actively love and adore my son. However, I cant ignore the huge toll that this job has taken on my finances, my social life, my physical health, and my career. This is where most people would come in and say something like, It is a trade off. Which they would be somewhat correct in assuming as much, as it is a trade off, but maybe not such a balanced and equal trade off.A new study published in Psychological Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science, suggests that parents create rosy pictures of parental joy as a way to justify the huge investment that kids require. The study explored the role that self-justification plays in parental beliefs about their choice to have children specifically how those parents view the economic hardships theyve had to endure while raising their children. Guess what? Parents whose feelings of emotional discomfort were measured immediately after being asked by the researchers to talk about their thoughts concerning the costs and economics of raising a child/children felt much worse than did the parents with a more mixed view of parenting. However, if the researchers gave the parents in question the opportunity to idealize parenting and family life, and then measured their conflicted feelings, those negative feelings about costs and sacrifice were gone. Poof, like m! agic.Are we deluding ourselves in order to maintain good feelings about the choices we have made. The researchers put all of this into a historical perspective: In an earlier time, kids actually had economic value; they worked on farms or brought home paychecks, and they didnt cost that much. Not coincidentally, emotional relationships between parents and children were less affectionate back then. As the value of children has diminished, and the costs have escalated, the belief that parenthood is emotionally rewarding has gained currency. In that sense, the myth of parental joy is a modern psychological phenomenon.In some respects the study posits this idea that the bad return on our investment (as compared to the workhorse children we were breeding back in the day) makes us love our children more, simply because we cant handle facing the alternative. Is this a fair assessment of parenting? Are we hiding a deep dark secret under a cloak of love and joy? Or does parental love trump all, even when considering the practicalities of economics, investment, and the self-fulfillment?
Eric Steinman is a freelance writer based in Rhinebeck, N.Y. He regularly writes about food, music, art, architecture and culture and is a regular contributor to Bon Apptit among other publications.
